welcome to "red eye." tonight,. >> welcome to "red eye." >> tis the government building secret time machine to go back to 1787 and rewrite the constitution? is the president considering changing the national anthem to "free bird." >> this comes as close as we have gotten that will benefit everybody. finally, should guys who wear bluetooth ear pieces in public be sent to gitmo. the story geraldo refuses to cover. none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. let's welcome our guests.
she's got a heart of stone. fresh from his one man show, writer and comedian jesse. it's comedian small. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story and now 43 minutes of sensele lesless b. >> it's a question, did he choose to leave or was he fired? yes, alec baldwin is gone from msnbc and there are conflicting reports as to how it went down. msnbc just issued a stam saying is a mutual parting. we wish alec all the best.
richard johnson said baldwin was fired for his combination of anti-gay slurs and his behavior toward co-workers. he angered staffers by demanding he get a makeup wound by a woman who has cancer with a sensitivity to hair spray. when told it was impossible, he said i don't give an f if she has cancer. i want that f'ing room. you know who else doesn't like it. finally. what do you think here? was he fired or was it a mutual decision? >> even if he was fired or he left, it's msnbc, he paid off.
>> it was two weeks which slightly surpassed chevy chase. >> alec is going through a lot now. that hot daughter that i'm stalking. >> that's his wife. >> a stalk's a stalk. >> when you're working ringing up t-shirt sales at the hard rock cafe, have you noticed a lot of customers are talking about this story? >> no because most of them speak farsi. i don't understand those people. they just babble. i don't think that has got to be one of the most brutal show business quotes since ted danson said i don't care how many baby pandas died. i want soy milk in my dressing room. >> do you any he said that or do you think it's a planted story? >> i don't know.
they didn't sap they pay they p ways. they parted ways with us. remember there was a daniel. >> he parted ways with his clothes in the park. >> jedediah. the ratings were bad. do you think that had to do with the decision? >> i think it's interesting that martin bashar still has his job. he still said that thing about sarah palin wanting people to defecate in her mouth. he said that and got away with it. he apologized and alec baldwin apologized. i'm trying to figure out the s
discrepancy. maybe he did cause a bunch of uproar at work and there were many layers here. i don't know. i think it's a little -- >> before you make a defecation joke, here is why sarah palin, anti-gay slur -- >> that's the obvious answer. it's fine. it's almost pathetic. don't make it so easy for us to figure it out. >> i would like a flashy parade. >> jesse you've been looking at me as though you need to say something important. >> it's only been a minute and a half and that's already the most popular thing in germany. >> andy, he's extraemely talentd
and a new wife and a new adorable baby. these are things you'll never have. he's angry all the time. you can't muster up the slightesligh slightest emotion about anything. why is he angry? >> i don't know. needs to chill. he's not saying he was fired. i think he has a bad temp. he's one of those guys that might be happy when he's missed at something. the third is i think it sucks to have paparazzi following you. i don't think he got fired for the things he said. i think he got fired pr the future things he would say. i think they said he's got a history. he's not going to stop. it's a matter of time before he
says shotgomething. >> why did they hire him? they they were taking that risk on? >> i have to say i disagree with 99.9% of everything alec baldwin said. they hired him. they knew what they were getting too. he did this off camera while being harassed and they were fighting words. fighting words everything goes. >> back to what you said. his ratings sucked. i think they hired him thinking he's a big time famous guy, he'll give us good ratings. he didn't give them good ratings. >> they took it. >> can we also agree -- >> they're dirty. >> not this one though. >> no. >> i think they really hired him because they wanted to get that [ bleep ] chancer chick out of
there. they were just using him. >> another swear word i must edit out. i won't let you get away with saying f twice. i now replace the two. >> at least you didn't add an extra one. would you tussle with a toddler? we showed a video about how to quick your infants. many commoners were tickled about the fight. many expressed concern about the safety of the baby. we can't show you the video. oh, we can. >> a lot you have are scared of babies. i'm so scared. i don't know how to handle it. they are easy to handle. i'll show you how. there's a lot of different mover yous can do. hold them under the arms. up like this and then slam. this is a very little known technique for fighting babies.
excuse me. they're one achille, s heel is wind. you think you got what it takes? you think you can take your old man? >> i love the fear of babies assuming their punches or slaps hurt, they don't actually hurt. >> doesn't hurt. sleeper hold. you just scratched my eye. he just got me right in the eye. he just scratched my actual eyeball. dealing with babies there's nothing to be afraid of. keep your nails trimmed and it's
good. >> after a silly uproar. "inside edition" went to his house today to talk to him about a concerned doctor who said, quote, throwing a baby can do damage to the baby's brain. shaken baby syndrome happens like this. this is not something that should be getting attention. she said i hope he loves his kid. this is what the doctor said. all right. >> oh my god. >> this is insane that anybody would call that child abuse. that's rough housing. >> what doctor was this? dr. conrad murray. >> conrad murray was the doctor on the soviet ship "hunt for red october." >> i like conrad better. i don't know. we got to get back into this
story. some say children services should take his kids away. is this wussification of america. >> it is under president obama. first of all, i have to say that gavin became hotter to me. it's true when you see a man with baby they become sexy. you've never been sexier. they say that rougher housing babies show it can be good for them. it teaches them how to interact with people. this is the problem. we start babying people when they're babies. >> can't baby babies. >> i say man up. start young. you won't have a babies sitting around. >> i agree. jesse you hate babies because they are always trying when you clean the changing room at the gap. should this be a story because a couple of youtube people left comments because one or two people said it was bad. >> first of all, i think that was lazy writing on your part.
i would have gone with i've impregnated a bunch of waffle waitresses. i've changed stories. that is from the 1997 scottish dwarf tossing final. it's easy to kick the [ bleep ] out of a baby. they can't make fists properly. you just have to leave it. it will die. you don't have to do anything. >> that's a good point. he has his kids. he's a pro-lifer. he didn't do the other thing. i don't know where this is going, andy. >> i don't want anybody to kill a baby. >> if you think the kid should be taken away. no it shouldn't. who's going to take care of it? you. >> andy you're shaking your
head. as someone who rough houses with your cat. >> i think he should be thrown in change. this is clearly child endangerment. if you amplify the video and look at the baby's face you can see the sheer terror. he was thrown at a high speed onto a hard bed. talk to your baby. you convinced me that he was wrong. >> i don't know if you picked up that but andy has a lot of isolated images of shortless images. >> thank you for that. >> people who can't tell the difference between rough housing and violence are idiots. if they ever get into a position of authority when dealing with families, we're all screwed because they with ruin your life. did they not pay because she was gay?
a couple of weeks a new jersey waitress said a family didn't tip her. she posted picture on her facebook page showing a picture with a receipt. i'm sorry i cannot tip because i do not agree with your lifestyle. they hate waitresses. people began sending money to make up for the tip. hold on, the family has said that the whole thing not true. they tell nbc's new york affiliate that they couldn't care less about her gayness and showed a copy of the receipt and a credit card statement proving they never wrote any note and did leave a tip. >> wow. >> dana is standing by her story saying to nbc 4, i don't know. all i know is what i'm saying. there's no dispute this is am e amazing.
[ cheers and applause ] guess it's amazing. >> free them. free them. >> who cares? >> she's standing by what she said. i think the key is the credit card statement. if there's a different charge with a tip on it, that means they did tip, right? >> yeah. once i saw that and the restaurant is not really explaining. they couldn't have charged the whole value, 111.55 if they didn't have the signature and all that stuff. i can't figure out, at first i thought maybe this girl made it up and stuck it on her facebook and never thought it would get this big. still you have to think when dealing with discrimination based on lifestyle that will get picked up. i don't know. for me the credit card statement made it black and white. >> i went through the same thing and it actually happened to me. i need y'all to send men. >> when did this happen? >> a couple of days ago.
it was at arby's. it got real ugly. >> you don't even work at an arby's. >> i don't, but send me money. send me a couple of dollars to get me through the week to by belts and stuffs. >> you talked him out of it. that's my experience. like you don't work at an arby's. mall reference. >> i know you get mad when people don't put change many the tip jar. would you ever make up a story like this? >> as a former waiter with a lesbian haircut, i got tips all the time. >> you did work at hard work. people think i make up these jobs. >> that was 15 years ago. >> give me some more sprite.
two sprites. >> you need to do that in a sri lankan accent. >> andy, you must have some kind of theory. >> you're all missing the point. the most important thing here, greg, is this could have happened. even if it didn't happen, this can be a teachable moment. homophobia is real. >> even if this didn't happen it raises awareness. >> it does. it raises questions and awareness. it's good we're talking about it. there's two interesting points here. the husband claims he didn't vote for chris christie because of his stance against gay marriage. he's saying he wouldn't do this. >> he doesn't like fatties. >> talking about the customer receipt, that's meaningless. you get a customer receipt in a restaurant and you can take it
home and write whatever you want on it. it's the credit card statement that shows 111 and change. >> that's expensive for two people. >> they had kids. >> they are expensive. >> i did it to me. she's a marine. she's donating the money that she received to wounded warriors, she says. >> what if she's right? >> there's no way to prove that. >> she's not keeping any of the money then it's just a push. misunderstanding. >> the handwriting on there. if that's her handwriting and she posted that on facebook, wouldn't everyone that know her would know she's did that. >> i was wondering if there's a third party. >> like the kennedy assassinati assassination. >> it seems like a lot to go through. >> it's happening a lot.
it's happening every single day. it's a trend. this is huge. it's like that punching game except with receipts. should men in their 40s wear t-shirts over long leave shirts? why is clint eastwood's daughter many the news? i'll tell you. that's not how teases work, people. t's ♪ [ male announcer ] if we could see energy. what would we see? ♪ the billions of gallons of fuel that get us to work. ♪ we'd see all the electricity flowing through the devices that connect us and teach us. ♪ e'd see that almost 100% of medical plastics are made from oil and natural gas. ♪
it's hard to describe, because you have a numbness, but yet you have the pain like thousands of needles sticking in your foot. it was progressively getting worse, and at that point i knew i had to do something. once i started taking the lyrica the pain started subsiding. [ male announcer ] it's known that diabetes damages nerves. lyrica is fda approved to treat diabetic nerve pain.
lyrica is not for everyone. it may cause serious allergic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worsening depression, or unusual changes in mood or behavior. or swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, changes in eyesight including blurry vision, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or skin sores from diabetes. common side effects are dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain and swelling of hands, legs and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who have had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. ask your doctor about lyrica today. it's specific treatment for diabetic nerve pain. if it's about a turkey the site will work. while the white house is still fixing healthcare.gov, their part about the bird is
functioning flawlessly. voters are asked to choose between caramel who enjoys eating soybean meal and music by lady gaga and popcorn. beyonce likes corn. i like corn. is the pardon pointless or worse. a writer says it's a light hearted way of easing into the holiday season by pretending a turkey bred to be eaten is a criminal for having been so without being useful as p participant many the food chain. that's really long quote. speaking of stupid animals.
these are just going downhill. >> free him. >> free him and eat him. >> i was thinking bird murder is the name of your band. >> is killing a turkey anything to joke about. >> it's an interesting question. honestly, really. which bird are you for? >> i don't know which bird i want to live. the one they do pardon, i want him to turn to the president and
say what about my parents. the bad news is the turkey won't have obama care. i'm pretending how i am at 5:00. wouldn't it be better if the birds are eaten rather that are pan don. >> it won't surprise you to know i feel bad for the birds. >> it was rough. i have needs too. no, i feel bad for the other birds. why do these turkeys get special treatment where as all the other turkeys get sent to their death? >> because they're white birds. >> i meant the other turkeys.
they're poop is white. >> all right. >> thank you. shut up. well thought out race agendas. >> not scare to go to the sensitive artery. andy, how aware are these birds of what's going on? it's all a mockery. >> i figured the reason we did this stupid thing is it was some long tradition. it turns out president george w. bush was first to pardon a turkey. there's still a chance to stop it and now we should stop it. >> now that you told me herbert bush started it, now we should stop it.
>>. >> this is the day you're getting eaten. you used to be a dinosaur, you've had your run. >> i've never seen a baby turkey. sgr they're probably so cute. >> probably not. >> you know who else is in the vulture family? >> who? >> give me somebody from the fox news. >> the throw pillows. they don't even have brains. dark meat. coming up, tonight's d block is sponsored by comet. those objects consisting of ice and dust. thanks, comet. >> you're welcome, greg. it's very hot in here.
>> it's a video of a couple hooking up. get ready for a frank talk about sex, everybody. and ah, so you can see like right here i can just... you know, check my policy here, add a car, ah speak to customer rvice, check on a claim...you know, all with the ah, tap of my geico app. oh, that's so cool. well, i would disagree with u but, ah, that would make me a liar. no dude, you're on the jumbotron! whoa. ah...yeah, pretty much walked into that one. geico anywhere anytime. just a tap away on the geico app. [ mom ] be right there, baby. [ muffled noises ] oops. ow. sorry. [ baby crying ] ♪ [ female announcer ] new pampers. unlike ordinary diapers with 2 layers, pampers have 3 absorbent layers,
discussion about sex, then you best get on up out of here. >> that's awesome. >> we're trying to do it into a lower red version of the wendy williams show. >> how you doing? >> that's the first time we used that. we've been doing that for seven years. >> women are hard wired to regret casual sex because of the burden of raising a brat. men are only bummed about not having sex at all. studies by the university of texas found the main regrets for females include losing their virginity to the wrong person, cheating or moving too fast. men often grieve over being too timid to approach a lady. women are protecting something valuable, ie the eggs. men have a lot of stuff to waste, the other junk. how is this mind blowing. >> it's not mind blowing.
i think women regret it often times because it wasn't that good. >> do tell. no she didn't. >> the way women work is we're connected to someone on another level. it becomes a whole different experience. >> like in an elevator. >> casual sex, you have to be good boys. most men don't know how to bring it so when we go home we say that wasn't worth it. >> what happened to her? >> i'm just saying. >> she's like the human centerpiece. >> i was only kidding about taking the sally jesse rapheal route. >> that's what i'm here for. >> is this a big surprise? >> it's not a big surprise. we know women are motionally attached to a situation and men are filthy animals and we'll put our penis in a bus exhaust. >> i have a visual.
>> how many women do you regret not sleeping with at the mall where you work in. >> i got them all. >> allhow do they get through a those layers? >> he can say that lasted a really long time just getting through the layers. >> you understand how hard it is to get a taser through layers. >> i imagine the person who most regrets casual sex situations is whatever has to clean off that coffee table. >> because you always have snacks. this is the type of story that other shows are afraid to tac e tackle. how do you think we've handled it so far? >> i think an a minus. i think i've learned a lot. a lot of which i didn't want to know. that's okay. i regret the times i was too shy
to hook up. i also regret the times i wasn't too shy and did hook up. the only thing i don't regret is staying home. >> that's true. i regret everything. >> poor thing. >> this is not about behavior. it's about science. i always go back to the infamous casey no metaphor. when you imagine a casino and a woman has two chips, each one is $500 and man has chips that are worths $1. they have the same chips but they are worth different values. i dnidn't come up with that theory. >> i hope you don't say that to girls. >> we have another sex topic. i almost wish we could see that thing again, but we won't. financial worries mean people are having sex less frequently.
a poll of 15,000 brits found those age 15 to 44 were having sex less than five times a month. what? that sounds like a lot. five times a month. if you were having sex five times a month, that's a lot. people have tablets and smartphones and are taking them into the bedroom using twitter and facebook and answering e-mails. i happen to believe this is true, jesse. am i just very old and frail? >> no. you're very small, which can be frailty comes along with being your size. the average aged under 44 said they had 7.4 partners. you might wonder how is that possible to have a 7th of a possible but people forget that greg used to be pro miscuous.
>> that was coming at me so slow. >> i wanted you to catch up. >> some are using online porn as the substitute. i can't believe that. >> get out of here. you can use that as a substitute but not all the time. sometimes you have to include your partner with your porn. you have to bring your partner into the freaky. that way it's all good. we're selfish with it. girls are just as freaky as we are. you bring it in there and she goes i got better videos than that. bam. >> i don't know what he's doing. has the modern era changed your habits? >> no. if my man can't distract me from my ipad then that's sad for him. i do take my phone and ipad.
i take it in fully expecting someone to -- >> do you have the new ipad air? >> i do not. that's where i've gone wrong in this. >> i bring my phone in the bed too but just to break weed on it. >> they're laughing. >> it's funny without you, jessk it. >> how do you break weed? >> when you break it up. >> what do i know? >> i like how a room full of people is laughing and y'all are staring at each other. >> could this explain your loneliness and the tlook of misery on your face? >> no. >> maybe part of it. there's so many reasons. to blame it on one thing isn't fair to that one thing. did you want me to talk about the story at all?
>> no. >> i was talking about having less sex with a bunch of friends as we were watching the dr. who 15th anniversary. we all couldn't believe it. i don't know what's going on here. >> i have a theory. these are not distractions. what happens is there are other things to do, which is different than distractions. if you're planning on doing something -- >> there's not really other things to do. you think you got other things to do because you have twitter and facebook. i wonder what my twitter and e-mail. you don't have nothing to do but get on that thing and your business. >> you get up in the morning and it's saturday at t 9:00 a.m., you could get some breakfast and coffee and be back by 10:00. if you get up and there's happen top, you don't leave until 2:00
p.m. it subtracted four hours out of your life. >> just twitter has hogged just decades from my life just from this past year. >> t not just from relationships. it's like doing work. it's like if you have to write stuff or prepare for a comedy bit which sherrod rarely does. >> whoa. >> it also could be appropriate because we have longer life spans that we're now living to be 85. maybe that's what this stuff is for. we get all our crap done by the time we're 30. >> that's right you'll get sex in your late 80s. >> my logic is terrible. >> along with a longer life span you have viagra. >> no matter if you have viagra or cialias men don't want an old man sweating on top of them.
nobody wants that. that's not what the girls want. >> i know some people who would pay for that. it's a website that i often frequent. >> reaping my second career plans. >> time to take a break. i have a new book. it's called "not cool." look at that cover. you can pre-order it. it's coming out in march. copie. i dare you.
week ago in a ceremony in front of an elvis impersonator. how many cliches are there. now she plans to get an annulment because sources say the wedding was fueled by alcohol. >> you married joy behar when you were drunk. >> i meant to. i'm in love with joy. >> why don't people think about this? >> how do you even walk down to some place and get married if you're that drunk? you'd have to drag me in there and put my hand up and put a ring on it. she's already a dumb girl. with all due respect. i love clint eastwood kind of. she is dumb as the day is long. i saw her in that reality show. i'm like he's got to get his family off of tv or america did because nobody watched that nonsense. >> you got hammered and married
carrot top. you stayed with him for four years. >> five years. he's amazing in bed. >> people talk all that stuff about him he's like i said what's up. >> you know what he can do by inventing a thingie. >> let me answer your question. this is why i don't drink. when some of us girls drink you get very lovey. you love everyone. like one glass of wine is i love you and two is let's get married. >> you don't drink? >> not really. i drink two glasses of wine and i'm drunk. >> awesome. >> roofies take they away. >> i'll think about that for next weekend. >> jesse back when you used to drink your married john hillerman in hawaii. >> i must have been really drunk because i don't know who that
person is. why didn't you say higgins? >> you don't know the name of your husband. >> i only called him higgins. >> all he heard was that knight rider voice and you fell in love. >> you've done worse things than this i imagine. >> yeah,way worse. some of which i don't think the statute of limitations is worn off. i'm going to do a joke instead. the kids both spend a lot of time around the band which explains a lot. it's probably why axel rose grew up to be such a [ bleep ]. >> i would rather have heard a real story. >> me too. >> talking points from the five
on "red eye" and everybody looks at me weird. >> it's like this is jonah hill's brother. >> it's weird that he changed his name. >> i guess he wanted to get ahead in hollywood, right andy. we know about your type, andy. >> absolutely. people shouldn't marry people who are drunk. >> nobody would ever get married. >> like a tattoo artist. most won't do someone that stumbles into their shop. it should be the same thing with people who do weddings. if two people are hammered say come back tomorrow. >> it's vegas. everyone is drunk all the time. >> elvis was drunk. elvis who married them was drunk. >> i don't know. andy you once married your cat after a meth binge. >> i can avoid this. >> i was going to read the
question. >> pet joke. >> going to push it to the limit. all right. we'll stick to the joke no matter what. even if they change the whole story. do you have a comment on the show e-mail us. you have a video of your animal doing something, go to foxnews/video. most influential animals that ever lived. hi, i'm terry and i have diabetic nerve pain.
once i started taking the lyrica the pain started subsiding. [ male announcer ] it's known that diabetes damages nerves. lyrica is fda approved to treat diabetic nerve pain. lyrica is not for everyone. it may cause serious allergic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worsening depression, or unusual changes in mood or behavior. or swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, changes in eyesight including blurry vision, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or skin sores from diabetes. common side effects are dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain and swelling of hands, legs and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who have had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. ask your doctor about lyrica today. it's specific treatment for diabetic nerve pain.
last story. that's the last story. >> all right. top of the heap? "time" magazine named the 15 most influential animals that ever lived. finally among the creatures with clout, dolly, the first successful cloned mammal. bubbles, michael jackson's chimp and god knows who else. the polar bear cub at a german >>- q. and he didn't -- zoo and he didn't poop. and kiko, the animal known for
marying kchirsty alley jie. what about lassie? or benji? what about brian from family guy who they just killed off? rest in peace, brian you racist dog. >> i feel the cows are more influential because be we thet them. >> anything in a sandwich is more influential. >> i was hoping you would ask me who was missing from the list and it is jasper perino. as a result i can't support this. and lassie. >> i am bleeping out that perino thing. jesse, you are fired up about this story and i don't know why. >> none of the pandas that ted dan swraw killed in the holocaust were in there. i am a history dork. they forgot bolto. >> he is on there.
>> he's on the list. >> check the list. i read the list and he is on there. he saved the people in alaska. >> oh yeah. he is on the list. >> then they forgot john bough bough -- john belushi. >> there you go. >> you are furious there were no cats on the list. not even garfield. you said what about cassie's cats? >> this is another example of you making [bleep] up because you are obsessed with cats. i never talk about cats. i never ask to see pictures of cats. you are obsessed with cats. you keep naming fake animals. this is real animals. >> are we going to ig authorize the heat that came off andy.
>> i just like this as a sign of solidarity. i don't date rape chicks in the mall where i work. >> what some. >> he has been making that up too? >> i bought that. >> i know. >> the d.a.'s office bought that. >> let's go back to real pets. i have to say chicken, any chicken in general. >> because you can eat it. >> what about the geico gecko. he is real. >> and he is british too. >> i don't like him. he is taking american geico jobs. this looks like it is falling apart. >> pretty much. >> a professional host would try to save it, but that would be phony. >> you know who should have been on there? upset. they won and it is a big upset.
>> is that is an actual horse. >> you are dropping nothing. jedediah, jesse, tv's andy levy, sherrod small, that does it for me. god know what's is left. god know what's is left. >> happy my insurance rates are probably gonna double. but, dad, you've got... [ voice of dennis ] allstate. with accident forgiveness, they guarantee your rates won't go up just because of an accident. smart kid. [ voice of dennis ] indeed. are you in good hands?
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♪ fly me to the moon and let me play among the sta stars ♪ >> they were the marco polos and magellans of our times, and in september 2012, they said farewell to a modern day columbus. >> neil armstrong became a testament to all americans of what can be achieved through vision and dedication. >> but that eulogy for the first man on the moon delivered by the last to leave it captures the spirit of all those who made that journey. ♪ let me see what spring is like on jupiter and mars ♪ >> american heroes, whose final mission ended more than 40 years ag